Tuesday, January 17

bob and suz: the modern day noah and allie

last night, i was home alone. i woke up early, ran all my errands, did all my chores, even watched a movie. hours passed and i had been playing phone tag with my pops. my voicemails were building up ( my message machine tells people to pleeease not leave me one cause i hate them and never check them) so i just kept trying to call him back. at 8 o'clock, while i was planning my trip to mexico, he finally answered. his opening line was 'don't freak out, hay, but.." and then i freaked out. my dad doesn't exaggerate anything. in fact, he does the opposite. he makes everything seem as dull as possible, especially in emergencies. 

he told me that my mom and him had been driving home from grocery shopping when an enormous, lifted truck just veered into their lane causing a head on collision at 40 mph. My dad passed out and my mom was wedged in between the seat and the dashboard, both of their heads had been bashed on the windshield leaving terrible marks. At the time my dad was telling me this, my mom was in the ER and he had no idea how she was. He had told everyone he was fine, but after my mom overruled him (no surprise there) they found out he had bleeding in his brain that would inevitably result in seizures, strokes and or brain damage.

all of a sudden, i was 5 years old again. on the night my brother was babysitting us and my parents took too long on their date. we sat at the window, matt and i crying, waiting for them to return. in my mind, they had been in a car crash and were hurt somewhere all alone. except that turned out to be a silly fear, for they were parked in our driveway eating ice cream and talking the whole time. this time, it was real.

my parents are rocks. they don't fear pain, they are the hardest workers, and they never give up. my mom once fell off a galloping horse and popped out of the meadow, grinning ear to ear, with a   "that was fun!" They are so concerned with other people that they don't have the time nor the effort to think of themselves. So upon hearing such news, i was scared. more than that, i was hysterical. shaking with fear and concern. because you think your parents are superheroes. they can't die, i mean, yes. one day, in the far far future, they will quietly pass in their sleep, but never before. and never in a automobile accident. 

when i got to the ER, the nurse pointed to a cute little man with wispy hair and a hospital gown on and asked "that guy look familiar?" but he didn't. he wasn't the strong, solid father i knew.  when i went up to him, i couldn't give him the proper hug i wanted to. he was too tangled with IVs and weak with shock. Though he had successfully saved his Ute hat and sweatshirt that lay neatly by his side after causing 4 nurses and a doctor assist him in taking it off in order to resist them cutting it off, as they had done to my mom's clothing. He turned bashful when i patted his head and attempted to smooth his hair, then returning his Ute cap to its rightful spot. a picture of vulnerability, but with a streak of independence. no one could touch his favorite hat. 

in the next room, my mom, on the other hand,  had a pile of her favorite clothes cut perfectly in half laying beside her bed. she was writhing in pain as they tried to put her cast on. Her ear had dried blood all over it and her arms and legs were swollen with bruises and cuts. She took one look at me and knew i'd had a rough night, as mothers always know, and hugged me. as if i was the one who needed consoling. and still, after all the trauma, was able to laugh and say "well, i can't say this was as fun as my horse fall!" 

my brother and i stayed up with them til 4 in the morning, making them eat and take their pills, helping my mom in and out of her wheelchair and listening to them tell us the same things over and over again- which really only caused us to worry about how bad they really hit their heads. we were doing exactly what they had done for us for the last 20 and 24 years of our lives. knowing that by only a miracle from our Heavenly Father, had they somehow survived.

i learned a lot yesterday. i learned to never EVER take something as precious as life for granted. i learned that i couldn't do it without my parents. that moment when i feared for their lives, i couldn't imagine moving forward. I learned that i am so lucky. for so many different things, but mostly, lucky that the fear of death was never knocking at my door, that my parents had given me such a padded and sheltered lifestyle.

and finally, the reason for the title of this post: i know all of you can recall any and all details of the notebook. well the part at the end where allie asks noah if their love could create a miracle and he says "our love can do whatever we want it to" is what popped into my mind tonight. After the accident, my mom looked over to see a completely unconscious bob. With the blow to his head and the brain bleeding, he could have been out for hours, if not more. But   the only thing he recalls hearing was my moms soft, strained voice repeating "bobby, bobby, wake up".  And he did just that. as discombobulated as he was, he turned to my mom, saw she was hurt and trapped and push his way through the completely smashed door to get to her side. after it was all said and done, my mom overheard the police talking to one another. "how did the driver get out of his seat?" "he pushed his way out of the drivers side" "impossible. it was completely wedged shut, there is no way anyone could have managed that" 

but he did. after being completely unconscious. to save my mom. 

Sunday, January 8

RULE: you have to listen to the song as you read

have you ever heard a song and instantly it takes you to a moment. not one in the past, not nostalgic feelings, but something you want to do or imagine doing to that song? i hope that's not weird. because i place a feeling to every song i listen to. it's not just mere entertainment for me. 

well the song below does that for me. two different things pop up. and it's kinda funny cause they are quite opposite:

 i imagine a freaking great make out sesh, like one that would be in a movie and would deserve this as the background music. even though the term 'background music' is just offensive to such a song.
 but not just that: in an old motel, on the outskirts of a small town, where you will fall in love all over and over again. - i promise this didn't seem as dirty in my head. but who are we kidding. it's me we're talking about. i can't help it. 

 the alternative to that would be a breakup song, either angry or sad really. but more  the fighting/crying/getting over the bastard kind, in my mind. hahah. i'm such a terrible soul at times. but yes. a subtly empowering song.

you want to know the benefit of a song that can carry two polar emotions like this one?
 every time you listen it will fit to how you're feeling. not that i want to be blasphemous, but it's like when you re-read your patriarchal blessing again. and i truly mean that with the most respect and high regard as is possible in a post where i've already sworn multiple times. 

the runners-up for why i'm so deeply possessed by this song are:
            - the title of this album is "only good bands have animal names" clever little guys they are.
            - while dealing with bad reception on our skype sesh last night while we were showing each other our new songs, i had to act out 'tiger waves' to derek. so i rawred like a tiger, then made my arms do a wave. i'm still funny. nothing's changed. 
          - they say  "i know this is not your cup of tea" you see, cup of tea is one of my more favored old-person sayings.


ps. could it be a bad reflection on myself and my relationship that this song brings out the two most common forms of communication between derek and i?

pps. you know that motel/outskirts/making out/fall in love idea? well. that's actually something i've been daydreaming about before this song graced my eardrums.  which, to me,  is really just fate telling me i NEED to follow this ludicrous idea of mine.

goodnight, y'all

Thursday, January 5

can i just say?

sometimes i want to blog, but i have nothing to say of any worth or depth. these are the times where i just start writing.
 oh wait. 99% of my blog? yes. i'm sorry.

gum. the other day, i hadn't spent money in a really long time and needed to buy something and fast. so i bought 4 packs of fruity gum. i usually hate fruity gum. (my first kiss ruined me) but i did. and now i eat it a lot. and i've found that it's the best for so many things. first off, the element of entertainment. ill be at the gym and hating the fact that i'm running. but then i'm like "whoa. this tastes good in my mouth. it's like i'm having a jamba. i love eating. it always means i'm having fun.  i guess that means i'm having fun. maybe running isn't so bad. wait. i can blow bubbles. yep. running isn't so bad." and then i'm like fine to run for 20 minutes straight. its the darndest thing. and that also allows me to eat it instead of other things, not to get all anorexic. but it its a diet savvy idea.

zumba. speaking of gym, i went to zumba today. first of all. what the hell. how do men and older women catch on faster than i do? seriously. what the hell.  second, i've been an avid gym goer lately ( don't worry, it's not a new years resolution. they have a bad track record. so to cease that trend, i started 6 days before. BAM. beat that logic. )  anyway, avid gym goer. k so i have gone every day lately, therefore  i consider myself conditioned. but zumba thinks otherwise. kicked my ass. like i'm really sore right now. i feel like i need a walker with tennis balls on the bottom. why do they do that? if the oldies can't scoot efficiently without them, couldn't the manufacturers upgrade it? poor old people. they always get the bad end of the stick.

skin. i miss saint george. for 239573 reasons. but today another one came to mind. my skin was so pretty down there. nice and fresh and clear and moist. i looked int he mirror today and was not pleased.  my skin is all tight from washing it too much or winter or something gay like that. and so when i smile, it looks like wrinkles. EFFING WRINKLES. not okay at all. i want you back, stg.

boyfriend. he comes home finallyyyyy after his long ass trip to see his family in california. like yeah, cool, you got to be with family for the holidays.
 but we both know that utah is better, because i live in utah, and i am the best, so yeah. easy math. come back.

oh also. my dad got released as stake pres so i can swear publicly all the hell i want now, dammit! ha. just kidding. i swore anyway. 
sometimes my parents hate me. i somewhat understand. 

was this too much reading? my b. i feel better though. here's a song. 
you'll like it. except for the name maybe. rather crude, even for my little sailor's mouth. 


Monday, January 2

'leven look back.

You know what? this was one of my hardest years to date, i think. 
many things really shook me up. but between the hardships, there were so many blessings that i feel ungrateful even talking about trials. 
A lot of the shit that happened was sort of karma, i suppose.  
well, of course it was karma. i've been a damn fool the past few years. 
but i'm being ambiguous and that's really annoying. 
let's do a 'leven look back, shall we?

I left saint george,
 and with it, went a part of my heart.

Where I made friends that i intend keeping all the way to heaven.

I became an aunt.

the obnoxious kind that talks about it every second and shows countless pictures.

but you already know that.

derek and i struggled. more than we ever have. But like my mom said today, we've "been through everything and back already. [we] can handle more that most couples". seri, i take pride in the fact that we haven't had it easy. It makes it all the better to know we have each other.
 He's def my bef :)


i got my first real job. even though i still feel like a dressed up child most of the time. 

My best friend since first grade received her mission call. i start to tear up every time i think about it. She's been in my life longer than any friend. and i'm so proud of her. of anyone, i know she deserves it. 

Watch out, non-mormons of Portugal. 
madi is soon on her way.

i think i chose my future career finally. Thanks to all the prodding of derek, who told me if there was one thing i was good at, it was arguing, so i might as well get paid for it. LAW SCHOOL HERE I COME!

I've become crafty. serious change. i'm the most uncreative person i know. and though they may be small, like spray painting baskets to become trinket holders or making simple holiday gifts, i'm about as proud as it gets.

i cannot tell you how many times derek and i have hung out with my parents on weekend nights the past few months. we go out, we stay in, we talk, we watch movies. we're each other's double daters now. i'm not ashamed. 

with that precious smile, how could i be?

and mostly, i've changed. 
remember the LITERAL wild child i used to be? well she's settled down. 
i don't know if that is temporary or permanent, some things should probably stick around longer. 
like the fact that i used to live off of attention. 
 i AM ashamed of that. really quite pathetic. 
now, sweats and no makeup hardly faze me. 


the best is yet to come.